Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
