very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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