"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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