My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
