does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
