Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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