the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
