Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
