So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
