before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
zippers are such a cool invention
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
