just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
