so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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