turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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