his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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