my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
