whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
