someone threw a dead crab at me
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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