Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
