I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
