I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
