my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
