I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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