if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize