then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
