Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
