I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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