The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
