if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
