On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
