YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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