I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
