Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
