The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Shame - the story of my life.
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