Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
