Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Randomize
