Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
