I wannas sexs uuuuu
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
