Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
we made out on top of his cat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
