I think i peed on brittanys purse
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Your cock deserves a montage
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
