you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
BRING THE BAGELS
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
