Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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