If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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