I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
