I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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