I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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