We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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