I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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