I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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