I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
