Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.