I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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