Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been