i'm home, then i'll come over
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
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Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite