pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
