Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
