Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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