i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
