so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
