Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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