I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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