he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How does it feel to date your dad?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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